Hey y’all! So since I had such a great experience with Weekend Writing Warriors last weekend, I decided to do it again 🙂 This is a continuation of last week’s post, so if you haven’t already, read it here. To meet some new authors, read some great writing, or join in the 8-sentence fun, stop by at Weekend Writing Warriors!
His brow furrowed–his face was ageless, but somehow the expression made him look paternal. “How long has it been?”
I nearly gagged at the thought of the oddly-colored concoction he claimed helped my breathing. It only made me feel like I was trapped in a fog–having dull senses was as good as being helpless. Naked.
“I took it this morning,” I lied, shifting my weight.
His frown deepened–I was a terrible liar. “Falcon,” he chided.
“Don’t worry about me, Asa,” I said in defense. “Let’s finish this–a shipment was supposed to come in today. I need to stop by Grandfather’s shop, the Littles haven’t had fruit or vegetables in months, and they’re going to get sick soon.”
I looked over to where they played idly. One raised a pudgy fist and rubbed her eye wearily, another had a trail of snot running from his nose to his chin. Eight little faces so engrained in my heart, though it went against every survival instinct I had.
I cheated a little bit with punctuation and rearranging, but I hope you won’t tell 🙂 So far it still doesn’t make much sense, but I hope you’ll stick around for the rest of the chapter. When I finish posting the rest of the first chapter, I plan to start with some excerpts from the other two POVs. Looking forward to reading all of your great posts, and thank you for stopping by!
Blog Post and Novel Excerpt © Victoria Davenport & the Coffee.Write.Repeat. blog
13 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors #2”
Yup, I sure as hell have no idea what’s goin’n on, but I’m sticking around to find out. :]
Haha that’s the hard part about only 8 sentences…its so short! Thanks though 🙂
Very nice details and dialogue. I definitely would like to see more. It’s good that you’re posting again. The more you participate, the more your audience will grow.
The only thing that got me was: I said in defense. Maybe you could use movement to show defensiveness, like “I said, stepping back.” or “I said, squinting my eyes”. Just a thought.
Anyways, good snippet!
Thank you for the feedback 🙂 That is good advice. And I hope so! Thank you 🙂
Happy to help. I do hope you’ll keep posting snippets.
Awe, I already like your main character, Victoria. And I’m glad you came back this week. Bringing the “Littles” into the story tugged right at my heartstrings. Good job of letting the reader know that she’s taking a risk to take care of them.
I did notice that you went over 8. Any string of words that comes to a full stop, we count as a sentence. I think Caitlin suggested last week that you can string sentences together with ; : , (for examples) if you need to complete a thought or a scene–or to have your snippet make sense. 🙂 Sometimes, it’s a puzzle to have the meaning remain clear, but we try to hold it down to 8 to keep it fair for everyone.
I’m really enjoying the story already. I’m curios, and I’m already becoming emotionally invested in the characters. Nicely done! 🙂
Thank you! I did try my best, but it was so hard to keep the meaning clear, and not stop in the middle of a thought. I understand though, and will try harder next time. I’m glad you like it, thanks again 🙂
It’s a good excerpt; I particularly like the first sentence, that describes his expression perfectly without going into a lot of detail.
But *puts on moderator hat* Even with creative punctuation, the excerpt does run well over 8 sentences. Sticking to that limit keeps the playing field level, and lets visitors hit a bunch of blogs easily. Thanks for understanding. Looking forward to your next #8sunday post!
Thank you! Haha, I understand. I tried my best but will try harder next week. 🙂
This is a very interesting world you’re unveiling. I don’t mind a little confusion at the start when the writing is this good.
Thank you so much! I appreciate it, and hope you stop by next week 🙂
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