Hey WeWriWa! This is the last snippet in a series, and a direct continuation from last week’s post (check it out here, or the rest of my posts here). To meet some new authors, read some great writing, or join in the 8-sentence fun, stop by at Weekend Writing Warriors!
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“I won’t hurt you,” he says, with a voice like amber and pine. It makes me want to believe him.
But sixteen years of instinct scream otherwise. My eyes flick to Mother’s body, discarded in the dirt. It would be better to be ripped by the Shadows then fall into the people’s hands.
The boy takes a step towards me. I look one last time at Mother.
I lunge for my dagger and sprint for the trees, as the night swallows the sun, and I leave my heart behind.
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There you have it! I know this one was short, but I wanted to finish the scene. I hope you enjoyed 🙂 This scene is the start of the action in the story, and so much more to come. Looking forward to all your posts, and happy 8 sunday!
Blog Post and Novel Excerpt © Victoria Davenport and the Coffee.Write.Repeat. blog
Coffee. Write. Repeat. 
Victoria,
These are great snippets, wow, 8 sentences only. I think it’s marvelous, so clever of you to run an ongoing series. I will definitely have to start at the beginning of the series. Fun!
Take care,
Pepper
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Thank you so much! They’re actually not my idea, I found them through a group called Weekend Writing Warriors. You can check them out through the link at the top 🙂
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Really like how you ended this. Would have been a cop out if she’d suddenly decided to go with them, and would have been a bit predictable if she’d been clubbed over the head and dragged off instead of having a choice.
Only thing I wondered was if maybe this would flow differently, connect more, if you dealt with the mother bit, then the choice, so basically swap the positions of sentence four and five.
“But sixteen years of instinct scream otherwise. It would be better to be ripped by the Shadows then fall into the people’s hands.
My eyes flick to Mother’s body, discarded in the dirt.
The boy takes a step towards me.”
I could be missing something completely, because I’m reading the snippet out of context, but I just thought I’d share my thoughts anyway, in case they’re helpful. Please ignore if not.
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Thank you! Honestly I didn’t really think about there being another way for that scene to end, I couldn’t see her reacting any differently. Well I already have that choice when “The boy takes a step towards me. I look one last time at Mother.” When she looks at her body, she is remembering her words and considering her options. Then he comes towards her and that throws her into action. Thank you for the input though 🙂
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Enjoyed the snippet. Even out of context, the thought was complete. Great 8.
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Thank you!
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Very poignant scene. I love the end with the dark swallowing her the sun, and the tie in to leaving her heart behind. Lovely 8.
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Thank you so much Sarah 🙂
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Your prose flat-out makes me jealous. Beautifully touching, darkly poetic. Keep it up!
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Thank you so much!! That’s a big compliment 🙂
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The action starts?? I thought this entire opening was pretty action packed. I too love that she follows her instincts and runs. Feels natural. Another great snippet, Victoria.
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Haha well I mean the action and conflict of the story, but yes 🙂 Thank you so much! It is the only way she would react.
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A voice like amber and pine…oh my goodness, so good!
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Haha, thank you 🙂
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Loved the 8. I enjoyed your use of descriptions and I’m left wondering if the boy will give chase. If so will he catch her? So many questions.
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Thank you so much 🙂 I hope to leave the reader with questions, that will keep them reading!
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I like the way she tries to think out her options, but instinct triumphs.
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Yes! That is definitely her character. Thank you for reading 🙂
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The “leaving her heart behind” line is lovely. It has to be so difficult to leave her mother’s body like that, without a proper burial and farewell. But her mom would want her to survive, I’m sure.
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Thank you 🙂 Yes it really is, but like you said, it’s what her mother would want and has raised her her entire life to do. It’s the first time of many she’ll choose instinct over emotion. Thanks for reading!
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I love the first line, and I love the last line. And everything in between them is wonderful, too. Beautiful prose, Victoria! 🙂
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Thank you so much 🙂
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Awww, so sad, that last line. Very effective. I’m enjoying the story, can;t wait for the next installment. Great 8!
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Very intense snippet. Nicely done. 🙂
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I love your writing, you have such a talent. I can’t wait to read the finished product. 🙂
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I bow down before your awesome prose. I. LOVE. THIS. STORY. But you already know that. This snippet was excellent. Well done, my friend!
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This was a lovely snippet like always 😀 It’s sad that she has to leave her mother behind. I think it says a lot that she is more scared of the shadows than she is of the people. I remember her soul getting ripped apart by the shadows. I’m curious how she was okay and her mother wasn’t. Or maybe the process was incomplete on her? The last line was beautiful about the night swallowing the sun 😀 Fits with the dark imagery of this scene.
I’m a bit confused about this line, “‘I won’t hurt you,’ he says, with a voice like amber and pine. It makes me want to believe him.” I feel like I’m missing something. Amber and pine have a smell, so are you trying to say the protagonist has a exteroception disorder and smells his voice? I feel like I’m missing something :$
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Thank you so much! Yes it does. You are onto something with the process being incomplete, it becomes a huge part of the story later on. Plus shadows don’t do the same thing to every person and it doesn’t always have the same effect. Thank you 🙂 That line is not meant literally but more symbolic, like amber is warm and pine is crisp and clear. Thanks for reading and commenting!
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Great job! I love how for a split second the MC wanted to trust the person, then thought against it. Good buildup for the action ahead!
Keep smiling,
Yawatta
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Thank you!
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