Great to see some familiar and some new faces this week 🙂 This snippet is from my WIP, Nightfire. You can check out other snippets from this book, or my other book, Ember, here. To meet some new authors, read some great writing, or join in the 8-sentence fun, stop by at Weekend Writing Warriors!
In this scene, Kera has begrudgingly teamed up with the hunters, Torren and Mina, to search for her sister, Hana. Mina is wounded with nightfire, from the Shadow attack. They have stopped to rest, and eat, and address some issues:
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[Mina] growls, “Great. We’re wandering around in the wilds, risking our lives, and the feral doesn’t even know where we’re going.”
Torren looks up to meet my gaze, chewing a bite of their ration bread, strikingly similar to my own loaves, “Do you know where we’re going?”
I look away, my eyes towards the trees: They swirl with a strange-colored smoke, visible only to my eyes, connecting their trunks like threads–a trail. The earth’s hum resonates in my bones, stronger here–stronger everyday, the farther north we go. “Sort of.”
Mina laughs mirthlessly, “How do you know she’s not just running us to death?”
I dart my eyes back towards her, “If I wanted you dead, you would be.”
This makes Torren smile, though I don’t know why–he really is a strange human, “If she says she knows where she’s going, then she knows where she’s going; we just have to trust her.”
My eyes snap to his face, “How can you trust me?”
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I wanted to share a little bit of their personalities, since the previous snippets have been a lot of action, and I really love the characters and voices in this one. Hope you like them as much as I do 🙂 Thanks so much for the continued input and support, the WeWriWa community has been great. I am debating one more snippet from Nightfire, before I take a break from WeWriWa for a little while. My experience has been great, but summer is about to end, I am moving into my first apartment, the semester starts soon, and I need a little break 🙂 Look forward to your posts, and happy 8sunday!
Blog Post and Novel Excerpt © Victoria Davenport and the Coffee.Write.Repeat. blog
Coffee. Write. Repeat. 
This snippet just reminded me of why I can never write a fantasy novel and why I love reading them. And I love how strong your narrator sounds!
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Haha, well thank you so much!
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Well written, however, you over use the word “eyes.” I like the description of the earth’s hum.
http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2014/08/weekend-writing-warriors-081714.html
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I didn’t realize! Thank you for pointing that out. Funny how things like that become more obvious in short snippets, and with extra pairs of eyes. 🙂
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Some terrific dialogue here, Victoria, and as ever your descriptive prose is marvelous. The personalities really shine through. Wonderful work!
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Thank you so much 🙂 I hoped to show their personalities some more.
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I definitely see the different personalities, which you demonstrate well with dialogue. Nice snippet!
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Thank you so much! I am glad they showed through. 🙂
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Strong scene, i can see them so clearly moving along, full of doubt and suspicion.
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Thank you 🙂 Yes, they definitely have a complicated dynamic and relationship!
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I just love your voice. 🙂
I want to suggest that you might avoid passive voice when possible (“I dart my eyes back towards her” would be stronger as “my eyes dart back toward her,” imho). This may be my experience as a third person/past tense writer, though. I assume the same holds true in 1st/present POV?
I also agree with Joyce, but honestly I didn’t notice the overuse on my first read-through. Especially in the third paragraph, you could trade out “visible only to my eyes” with “visible only to me.”
I really do like how you’re showing things rather than telling–I know that’s hard for a great many writers, and you seem to have a real knack for it. Fantasy is so tough! I kept trying and failing; I admire you for succeeding with it!
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Thank you so much! Hm, I will definitely consider it, thanks for your feedback and input 🙂 I didn’t notice the eyes thing either, though I could make some substitutions. Thank you! 🙂
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Great use of dialogue to showcase what appear to be some interesting characters. Nicely done!
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Thank you very much! 🙂
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I suspect the amount of trust varies quite a bit, and nobody totally trusts her. Torren trusts her to have some idea of where she’s going.
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Yes, definitely. The civilians and ferals have a long history of distrust. Thank you for reading!
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LOVE the words, made me want to keep reading and find out everything. Beautiful excerpt!
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Thank you so much! A great compliment 🙂
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I think you did a good job showing that Kera is a bit of a social outcast since most of her life she was just around her mother and little sister. I can imagine that gives one a limited world-view on human behavior. Hmm, why does Kera have this extra sense that the other humans don’t have? Is it because she was exposed to the shadows or is this something separate like a power she has always had?
I loved this paragraph,”I look away, my eyes towards the trees: They swirl with a strange-colored smoke, visible only to my eyes, connecting their trunks like threads–a trail. The earth’s hum resonates in my bones, stronger here–stronger everyday, the farther north we go. ‘Sort of.'” You do a really great job with describing these abstract concepts that really have no basis in our reality. And the prose is beautiful too 🙂 In the fandom I was in there was a character that could feel the planet’s power because she was the last of a dying magical race. There was a lot of writing potential with her partly because of that.
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Yes, I thought that was an important part of her story. It frustrates me when I read YA and they don’t consider things like that. The sense is an aftereffect of her incomplete Shadow attack, which is made clear in context that can’t all be shown in snippets. Thank you so much! 🙂
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The personalities shine through in this snippet. Great job.
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Thank you!
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