Weekend Writing Warriors #16

Hey all! Thanks for stopping by 🙂 This snippet is from my WIP, Nightfire, and a direct continuation of last week. You can check out other snippets from this book, or my other book, Ember, here. To meet some new authors, read some great writing, or join in the 8-sentence fun, stop by at Weekend Writing Warriors!

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His smile lingers. “Your eyes–they don’t hide anything, unlike most people, I like it.”

I feel heat rise up from somewhere—whether anger or shame, I can’t tell. I was prepared for civilians to hate me, to try to kill me. All my life, anything outside of Mother and Hana has been dangerous, and deadly–I can handle something trying to kill me, but now I am faced with something that isn’t, and I am clueless.

I harden my gaze instead, boring into him. “Then you are stupid–It is never smart to trust. Anyone can kill you, even if you like them–I would kill you, and not even blink.”

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I’ll post one more snippet from this interaction to finish, then I am debating one more post before I take a break. Thank you so much for reading 🙂 Look forward to your posts, and happy 8sunday!

 

Blog Post and Novel Excerpt © Victoria Davenport and the Coffee.Write.Repeat. blog

 

 

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34 thoughts on “Weekend Writing Warriors #16

  1. Intriguing snippet. I’d like to see more.

    And I think a little summary to give a bit of the set-up would be kinda handy. (I know, I know — I’ll have to look at some of the earlier ones, then maybe I’ll know that stuff. But, still, for someone who comes to it cold, it’d be a quick way to get up to speed.)

    One thing I noticed, which I think stands out because it’s in first person, is the lack of contractions.

    “Then you are stupid–It is never smart to trust. Anyone can kill you, even if you like them–I would kill you, and not even blink.”

    Or this: “Then you’re stupid. It’s never smart to trust. Anyone can kill you, even if you like them. I’d kill you and not even blink.” (Although I think maybe it’d make more sense to say: I could kill you and not even blink.”)

    Thing is, since it’s first person it should sound like someone is talking to us – conversational – and it just reads a little clunky without ’em.

    My 2-cents…

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    • Thank you for reading! And thanks for pointing that out. I usually do when a snippet starts a scene, not when it’s a continuation, but that would be helpful for new readers or just a reminder 🙂 Thanks for the feedback! That is intentionally her way of speaking since she has had no social interaction outside of her family, so I wanted it to be a little clunky. Thank you though 🙂

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  2. Your description of her elicits a visceral response. Nicely done. I think the contractions would help it to read smoother. I’d probably leave one –if you’re using it to emphasize. “I would kill you…” (imho) is powerful as you’ve written it, and switching the others to contractions would make it even more powerful.

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    • Thank you so much 🙂 I do use contractions in her narration to make reading smooth, but in her dialogue I intentionally write out the full words, since she has had no social interaction outside her family, and that’s just the way she talks to people. It’s probably more apparent if you were able to read more. Thanks for reading and the input! 🙂

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  3. Great snippet. Your description of her makes me want to learn more about her and her backstory. I agree with the comments about the contractions. Unless in the world you’re creating there’s a reason for her speaking the way she is.

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    • Thank you so much! You can absolutely read more snippets, or check out the My Books tab at the top of the page 🙂 She uses contractions in narration, but when she is speaking she uses full words intentionally because she has had no social interaction outside of her family and that is just the way she speaks. Thank you for reading!

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  4. I’m agreeing with the use of contractions…but like Teresa I like the would kill you as is. You have me wondering about her, and thinking I’m gonna like him, just from these eight lines : )

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  5. This is an interesting interaction to show what these characters are about. I like the lingering smile, although your first line isn’t flowing well. Unlike most people, suggests most people don’t like this, although I think you meant to say most people hide things with their eyes. Either way, the writing is unclear. You’ve set up an interesting situation with anything outside of mom being deadly. Also, in first person, there is no need to say, “I feel” just have the heat rise up, but from somewhere is confusing. You have one tough character there!

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/

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    • Thank you! I thought it showed their personalities pretty well for such a short snippet. Thank you for pointing that out, it is different in my actual manuscript but I had to edit it to make the snippet fit. It is broken up, so it is more clear. Thank you so much 🙂

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  6. It sounds like she is putting on a brave front out of fear? I agree that the contractions would make it flow smoother, but I also like leaving “I would kill you” as is.

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  7. An interesting exchange! That first line certainly stands out. I don’t know who is saying it, but I can hear his voice as I read it. It’s kind of creepy. I’m not sure that I like him XD I like strong willed protagonists 😀 I forget her name. . . She can certainly hold her own. Hmmm, I’m curious about how she can kill people without a blink. Looking forward to finding out more 😀

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  8. Wow, I loved your snippet! What a tragic upbringing to be filled with so much distrust. The line that really caught my attention was of the main character being confused because something wasn’t trying to kill him. So sad. I’ve really enjoyed these scenes; your dialogue sounds very real.

    Keep smiling,
    Yawatta

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