Vicious Cycle

Hey all, I know I’ve pretty absent lately and I’m sorry about that. I’d hoped to be more involved over the break, but actually the opposite happened. I know I haven’t kept up with things or been as engaged, but it has nothing to do with you lovely people. So I thought I owed y’all a bit of an explanation and a little look into the other side of my life, that unfortunately has very little to do with writing.

If you’ve been around for a while, you probably know that I’m chronically ill, including a heart condition called postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. I’ve been lucky enough the past year or so to be doing really well, with mostly good days with a few scattered bad ones, versus bad days with a few scattered good ones. I’d hoped that meant my condition was improving, or at least I was able to manage it enough to live a relatively healthy and full life.

Well, lately that’s been changing. I’ve had more and more episodes, more sick days, more days trapped in bed. The worst part is always missing out. I missed out on a lot of family time over the holidays, I missed out on parties and a lot of my social life, and now I’m starting to miss out on school and am dreading the semester ahead.

I wanted to spend the break writing, but honestly in two months, I haven’t even written enough to fill a page.

The problem is there’s a lot of times that I’m too sick to be writing, but then the rest of the time I don’t feel like writing. I feel frustrated, helpless, trapped, alone. It’s like having this big, heavy leech on my back all the time, sucking everything out of me.

It’s scary to think that I’m getting worse, that I might even relapse to the severity that I was before. I don’t want to be stuck in bed for three months again. I have huge plans and goals for this year. I don’t want to lose all of the things I love, especially not writing, and especially not this amazing writing community. This is when my body reminds what it really means, and what it really costs, to live with chronic illness.

I’m trying to turn to writing to help me through this, but sometimes it’s just hard. It’s hard to break this cycle of feeling sick then feeling down, with no space for writing in between. I’m hoping I can shake this soon, but I also know things don’t always work out the way we want them to, something I’ve been learning the hard way lately.

Thank you all for sticking around, even though I haven’t been the most present and engaged. Please be patient with me. I’ll do my best to post and respond to all of you, but know that I read and value every single response I get, whether I’m able to respond or not. Sometimes your comments are the highlight of an otherwise dark day.

I hope I can get through this soon, at least get back to writing, but with chronic illness you really never know. Either way I’d really appreciate prayer, positive writing vibes, whatever you can spare right now 🙂 Thanks, and hope to see more of y’all! You really are all the best.

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5 thoughts on “Vicious Cycle

  1. I think it’s amazing and important that you’re staying positive, and you deserve all the positive writing vibes in the world. You definitely have our well-wishes – for writing, life, and health!

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  2. Chronic illness is a HUGE challenge, so give yourself credit for writing AT ALL. I am quite familiar with the vicious cycle myself, even though it is not usually illness that keeps me from my pen or keyboard. And there is always some yahoo saying stuff like, “just write” and “if it’s important to you you’ll do it no matter what” and generally making it sound as if it is easy. I say write what you can when you can, don’t beat yourself up when you can’t. Always, always, stay kind to yourself. Oh dear, now I’m lecturing. And making a ridiculously long comment. Why do I do that? But I do want to say I feel terrible for what you have to go through. Thank you for sharing your experiences, and I will send prayers and good thoughts your way.

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